Personality, Identity, and Pathology

Figuring out how to write this has been incredibly difficult for me. I felt like I was on the cusp of a breakthrough but sorting through how to talk about this requires sifting through mountains of traumatic experiences and mistakes I have made. 

See, I’m someone who is active in neurodivergent activist communities but I have severe trauma related to the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. As in the concept of it is a trigger for me. I get sent into a panic when the idea of its diagnosis gets brought up. If someone even insinuated I have it I would have a meltdown. I obsessed over it to the point of it damaging my relationships as well as my own functioning. Every time I would see someone talk about the symptoms I would find myself picking it apart trying to understand how I could have been diagnosed with it. Because it doesn’t fit. 

This is How You Stop Existing

This poem was inspired by a class in which I learned about increasing efforts to integrate behaviorist programs and ideology into the public school system, which led me to think through the effects behaviorism has had on me and my embodied experience.

We Have Viable Alternatives to Psychiatric Force and Coercion

I was getting burned out as a patient representative visiting the Brattleboro Retreat last winter. I found my conversations with patients to be mostly rewarding and mutually beneficial, but all of my attempts to seek accountability and positive change on the units were met with steep resistance, excuses, paternalism and so much sanist rhetoric.

On “Behavior”

If I could pick any phrase in the English language and set it on fire it would definitely be “behavioral health”. To people who haven’t been pushed into the Psych System it sounds so innocuous. It’s there to help people develop “coping skills” and “protective factors”. Please excuse the scar-quotes, it’s just that these concepts have historically been used to deny me care that I was requesting from the very system people kept claiming would help me.

The Horror of Madness: Bandersnatch

There’s a lot of talk going on about the role of mental illness in the horror genre. There’s probably even more than usual since Netflix released Bandersnatch and Bird Box over the holidays.

I am a big horror fan. I love being scared and creeped out. I even love cheesy horror movies that are so bad they are fun to watch. But as someone who has struggled with various mental health issues and faced the trauma of the psychiatric system, my relationship with this genre is volatile.

Radical Boundary Setting: "Being a Bitch" as Self-Care

Allowing myself to “be a bitch” made my life better. The less time I spent debating with those who doubted the value of myself or my fellow disabled comrades, the more time I had to spend with those who do value me and believe in my right to self-determination. The less time I spent doubting myself and wondering if I even deserved to like myself, the more time I had to spend with those who encouraged me to view myself positively. The less time I spent challenging those with biases and bigotry, the more time I got to spend building up and encouraging fellow activists, being a good friend and partner.

Choosing Madness

The Mad Pride community is a tiny space being carved out by activists, artists, writers, philosophers, researchers, educators, and visionaries who are finding meaningful ways to choose madness. A few months ago, I asked a group of Mad Pride and Disability Pride activists to share a time when they actively chose madness. I asked them to share the craziest/Maddest thing they’ve ever done, that they are proud of. While some of these acts may not have been “chosen” in the moment, the decision to be proud of these acts and share them in celebration was very much a choice. Without further ado, I now present some of the responses.

Toward a More Balanced View of Coming Out

What all of these questions, the well-meaning ones and the not so well-meaning ones, have in common is the assumption that coming out was an active choice I made, a plunge that I boldly or brashly took. To some, my act of coming out represents a noble and worthy sacrifice, a giving up of career opportunities or relationships for a worthy cause; to others, it is a quixotic sacrifice worth mocking, an exceedingly idealistic decision made in my 20s that I will come to see as irresponsible.

The reality is that my coming out did not feel like much of a choice.

Learning from Larry Kramer and Challenging the "Recover to Resist" Narrative

That narrative - the idea that one must pass as sane, as able-bodied and able-minded, in order to effectively work toward social change - has followed me throughout the time I’ve spent engaged in activism. From my DBT therapist’s advice that I must recover from my “borderline tendencies” in order to be taken seriously as a critic of psychiatry, to my family’s instruction to stay in the closet about my experiences with the mental health system to preserve my credibility as an “intelligent, productive member of society who has smart ideas for changing the system,” to other mental health activists’ suggestions to “play the game” and conform to mainstream values in order to challenge them, this narrative, which I have deemed the “recover to resist” narrative, is ever-present.

Why I Love to Gossip

There is a difference between “gossiping down” and “gossiping up.” Gossiping down is when we spread rumors or insults about those with less power than ourselves - usually, those with less social or financial than us, or those who are less accepted and valued than we are. Gossiping up is when we critique those who have more power and privilege than we do. Sometimes, gossiping up involves critiquing the people in power in our family system, school system, or workplace (e.g. parents, teachers, supervisors); other times it involves critiquing people with political power or social power.

The Perfect Victim: A Resignation Letter

There is a perfect victim of psychiatry. Like the perfect victim of sexual violence, she is a white young woman whose bodymind was “unbroken” and “intact” before her involvement with psychiatry. She was not wild, rebellious, or crazy; rather, she was struggling with a minor case of anxiety or depression, or she said the wrong thing to the wrong person, and somehow, by some cruel trick of the universe, this sweet, polite, hardworking young woman ended up being involuntarily committed or put on drugs. The drugs made her crazy: they broke her kind, polite, hardworking, unbroken bodymind. They made her disabled, mad - they took the real her, the non-disabled her, and trapped her in a disabled and mad bodymind, a horrific fate. But nevertheless, despite this cruel plot twist, this perfect young victim managed to work her way off the drugs and get free from the mental health system. Thanks to her strength, perseverance, and resilience, she is now recovered from the effects of the drugs. She has realized that she does not need to rely on unnatural substances to make her feel better; instead, she has all the tools she needs inside herself to cope with life’s ups and downs without medication. Like the perfect victim of sexual violence, she embodies the ideas of hard work, restraint, and self-discipline. Although we are reluctant to believe that psychiatry could ever be harmful to anyone, we believe her story, and we are morally outraged on her behalf.

Blank Space, Taylor Swift, and Borderline

Taylor Swift is a superb songwriter, but I believe her success is fundamentally dependent on her ability to cultivate a deeper and more nuanced persona than most. It’s an incredibly powerful tool, but it only works if she is in control of her own narrative. This is why the song Blank Space, the second single from 1989 released in 2014, is key to understanding Taylor. The rest of 1989 is excellent, sure, but this song is Important with a capital I. Blank Space is an acknowledgement of the separation between her public persona and her private self, the beginnings of an epic power struggle, and a glimpse into the gender politics of pop music.

Borderline Jewish

Because I grew up Jewish in Alabama, people tend to assume that the worst experiences I’ve ever had are due to anti-Semitism that is pervasive in many parts of the southern United States. While it’s true that I’ve had some pretty terrible experiences with anti-Semitism growing up (you know, the run-of-the-mill accusations that I killed Jesus and am going to hell), those haven’t been my worst experiences of marginalization by any means.

In fact, some of my worst experiences of marginalization have been within the Jewish community itself.

Polyphemus and "Nobody" —a tale of epistemic injustice

The Odyssey is the story of my life. I left the sheltered hills of Ithaca 8 years ago to go fight a war, and I've been tempest tossed, shipwrecked, imprisoned, and driven mad ever since. I'm a complicated man, polytropos

I've often found myself and others in my life perfectly embodying Homer's characters. I've been Penelope, playing host to suitors who just won't leave. I've been Telemachus, outraged at injustice but powerless to stop it. I've been Odysseus, using my cunning and guile and ability to tell stories in order to survive. I've even been Argos the aged dog, laying on pile of dung while waiting to die. 

Breaking the silence on centuries of abuse and mistreatment

www.thebrattlebororetreat.com

This anonymously published site attempts to break the silence on centuries of abuse of mad people committed by the Brattleboro Retreat, formerly the Brattleboro Asylum. The page contains a .pdf of a brochure detailing the history of slave labor and brutal treatment resulting in hundreds of deaths, the vast majority of whom have no record of a final resting place. 

Also on the page is a .pdf of findings of misuse of forced drugging, seclusion, and restraint of an elder with a life threatening medical condition. 

Mad people will not silenced.

Forced treatment is torture.

Confinement is violence. 

All Gods Are Bastards

Lessons from various extreme states over the last few years, and from various migraine visions over the last year: 

1) The laws of thermodynamics apply to literally everything, including oppressive systems and social change. 
2) Insects are better than people.
3) Mushrooms are better than people and will save the planet.
4) The state is trying to killing us.
5a) All social constructs are gods 
5b) All gods are bastards